This morning my body pulled me awake early, I rolled over and ignored it. It's something I do a lot, it's something I need to get better at, there's too much to be done. I got showered and let the cat that had been meowing at me to get into the room I am currently borrowing. I nearly didn't let the cat in, but it's technically more his room than mine.
I got dressed and made my way to my old apartment in South Croydon, a long trip. Today I cleaned it out, threw away clothes and books and crap that I no longer needed or wanted. I made four bin bags full of stuff, and managed to get my possessions down to; a suit case of clothes, some books, a bunch of engineering and tinkering stuff (think LEDs, soldering iron, etc), picked up the Deviant Robot banner and was out the door. I didn't really feel anything, not even when I saw my now ex girlfriend had hidden away our pictures, not even when I was throwing away stuff that she had bought me.
My current living space is with a friend from university, his house mate is away for two weeks (his cat is not) so I have this space till that time. It's not much of a space however, so I have put some things at my desk at work, the books and the tinkering tools. The only things I left at my old place were an Xbox, a pair of hiking boots and my computer. I couldn't quite manage these things just now, but she is fine with them staying there.
The week started on Sunday I guess, when I told her that I didn't want to be with her anymore, that she had faults but I was unwilling to let her change them. I had been emotionally checked out for a while now, it was only happening this late because I didn't want her to be alone for Christmas. We had been going out two years. She was a very good partner, a good friend and we made a great team. I felt she was a trap though, I was too comfortable, too settled, no need to strive to do better or leave our little cocoon. I had named it a gilded cage, because no matter how nice it was, it was still a cage. I wanted more, I wanted great sex, I wanted long conversations and I wanted someone that stirred me into poetry. We never argued, we liked the same stuff, but I didn't feel she knew me... Which might have been my fault. I also didn't feel like we could have a conversation where it wasn't a zero sum game.
Let me explain; having a conversation should be a win win. Everybody should learn something, even if they are right, even if they are wrong. She never got that. Frustrated if someone had an alternative opinion, ready to regurgitate half read or heard facts and always along the three themes that shape her personality so completely. This was the big issue, every time she opened her mouth I knew where the conversation was going, and I didn't want to listen to it again.
I packed some things as she began to cry and take our photos down. I took the long route to Robin's house. I felt the sadness around the edges, maybe I was a bit in shock, maybe I just didn't like hurting her but it was the right choice. I met Robin for a beer, I watched him play Resident Evil (remake of one) then I slept (horribly) on his couch. I went to work the next day and we got started on the new year at Odd Tales.
I will skip over work, least said the better. I will work here for now, see if things improve.
Tuesday I tried to go to Hackspace in their new location in Wembley, but it was totally underwhelming... I wanted a hub of activity and cool projects, somewhere I could learn. I got a few guys in a half finished refurbished office. Maybe I will check back there later. I do want to make my robot, but I might have to learn on my own.
So we should talk about her. At this stage, she is funny, fun, so smart, nerdy and proud of it... She is hot as hell, sex is maddeningly good, but she is also the sweetest cutest thing I've ever laid eyes on. She looks at me all wide eyed and small mouthed, I crack, every time. She is a marvel. She is also a talented graphic designer and I feature heavily in her drawings. I've never met anyone who is perfectly what I want... Now I just have to wait and see if it sticks. Gods below, I hope it does.
I moved into Olly's spare room in a night of spliffs, DJ decks, pizza and video games. I had such a good time, I just hope it doesn't become habit... but Hey, it's only for two weeks. I deserve a little fun. I've been walking on egg shells for so long.
I hope I can write more of these, I hope I can get better, I hope they mean a lot to me someday. That's what she did, my ex, kept diaries... My memory has always been terrible, so this is clearly the best thing.
Until next week.
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